8 Tricks to Stay Awake During Mass

We've all been there.  

After a late night out, you drag yourself out of bed to join your compadres in faith for Sunday morning Mass. Unfortunately, this time of prayer is all-too-often more sedative than celebration, making the simple act of staying awake for these 58-62 minutes no small feat. What's a good Catholic to do?

Here are eight tricks for keeping the eyelids open and the brain alert during even the most soporific celebrations of the Eucharist. Use them, and use them well.

1.  Go to the Bathroom. Twice.

As children, Catholics don't just learn about Jesus, Mary, Joseph, saints, rosaries, angels, and tasteless wafers. In their most formative years, Catholics also learn that trips to the bathroom are the easiest way to pass time during a dull homily or blandly-delivered Eucharistic Prayer. But why make one trip when you can go twice? Carefully plot your escape, once during the Liturgy of the World and once during the Liturgy of the Eucharist. That should be enough to carry you through.

Maybe you'll actually pee one of the two times!

2.  Play "Name That Saint"

Statues, statues everywhere! But can you name that saint? Pass a few minutes studying the statues around you, looking for clues to the identities of the immobile men and women that surround us during Mass. St. Jude might have fire above his head, and St. Teresa might be holding a flower. See if you can figure out who's who. This game is even better with a partner.

But be careful not to talk too loud:  God (and the old lady behind you) are watching!

3.  Plan Your Own "Catholic Greatest Hits" Album (or the music for your wedding or funeral!)

Hymnals are more than good paperweights and toys for the kids (watch the crayons!). They're a compendium of music that we know and love - and hate (Here I Am, Lord? Classic. On Eagle's Wings? Ugh. So overplayed.). So, spend some time perusing the hymnal. Pick out your top ten songs, or pick the music for your wedding or funeral. Or design your own wallpaper.

Marry 'em and bury 'em.  That's what the Church does best!

4.  Volunteer to Cary Up the Gifts

This one is easy and contributes to the Mass! What a win-win! Worrying about falling asleep will keep you awake through the first half of Mass. The halftime exercise of walking to the altar and bowing (oh, the bowing!) will get the blood flowing well enough to carry you through to Communion, when you'll get to move around again.

Maybe you can even snag a snack on the way. Those hosts really hit the spot.

5.  Snack on a Baby's Cheerios

You didn't have time for cereal this morning, because you didn't want to miss the opening song. And now you're hungry. So very hungry. And so you eye that little zip-loc bag of Cheerios laying next to you. Is it really so bad to take a little bit of that baby's snack? She's not going to eat all that cereal, is she? Wait for mom and dad to look away, and steal yourself a few of those delicious little O's.

After all, it's the First Reading. Communion is so far away!

6.  Count Things

You're in a room full of people and things. So while the priest drones on in the background, start counting! Here's a brief list of things to count:

• Statues: How many Marys can one church hold (my parish has 9!)?
• People: Report your headcount to an usher after Mass. For more fun, include the following details.
• People who receive Communion
• People who don't receive Communion
• Babies
• People with gray hair
• People wearing hats
• Hymnals: Try not be noticed!
• Pews: Bet you don't know how many there are!
• Bad Haircuts: Why does it seem like churches are full of these?

I have a feeling a Mulletocracy would be a terrible form of government.

7.  People Watch (or write a "Best Dressed" and "Worst Dressed" blog post)

I once heard someone describe the Church with the phrase, "Here Comes Everybody!" I love it. So keep your brain occupied and your eyes open by checking out what's going on around you. Why does the priest always say "body" as "bot-hee?" And dear God, that Lector's voice! Who's dressed well, and who needs a makeover? If you're feeling adventurous, take out your cell phone, snap a few photos, and fire up your Blogger app.

In no time, you can be spamming your friends with the Best and Worst Dressed of the 16th Sunday in Ordinary Time!

8.  Write Your Grocery List or Your Schedule for the Week

Tomorrow you'll be back at work. And who has time to plan the week while you're running from place to place? Besides, when you get home, you have one agenda:  to nap! A friend once told me that she spends the homily writing out her grocery list. Here's how you do it: Put a small piece of paper inside the hymnal, and close it just enough so the people around you can't see what you're writing. Nod your head frequently to feign attention, all the while thinking of the great stuff you'll be cooking up this week.

Baked spaghetti sounds great. And maybe a movie on Thursday night.

Or just sing your heart out. Just pray.

It may not always be The Jesus Loves Me Variety Hour, but Sunday Mass is the Church's foremost time of prayer. And we're called to use that time, not for rosaries or private reflection (or any of the other stuff I just wrote), but to pray in word and song as one body, with one set of ears and one big ol' voice.

When we invest ourselves fully in listening to the words of Scripture and the prayers, to singing and responding with the fullness of who we are - good and bad, broken and whole - we might find that we don't need tricks to stay awake, because we're awakened by the realization that God is indeed working among us.

And for that, we come to give thanks.

Amen?